A Tribute to Rob Rau.
Memorial tribute to Robert Rau.
by Valerie Lemieux
Our friend Rob Rau passed away unexpectedly on December 12th leaving many of us in the Michigan adoption community grieving his loss.
I didn’t really know Rob until 2023, when we started Adoptee Advocates of Michigan (AAOM), a new group formed initially to advocate for Michigan adoptees seeking access to our original birth certificates (OBCs). Rob had fought for the restoration of that right for three long decades. Once he heard about our group, he quickly joined. When he learned that we were pursuing a “clean” law with no exceptions, he contacted everyone he knew to be a part of it. Having the support of Rob and other seasoned veterans for the cause meant the world to our newly-formed board and it inspired us, me especially, to put in our best effort to enact legislation giving Michigan adoptees the right they have sought for so long.
Adoptee-land can be challenging when you are trying to get something going. Friendships and support are crucial and, where some friendships have proved challenging to make or maintain, Rob’s friendship always came easy. He was the guy who never missed a meeting and when he had to, offered an apology for not being there. When we tried to implement new projects, he was always the first to say, “Count me in.” or “How can I help?” Support like Rob’s is hard to come by, and I treasured it. We became fast friends, and I knew he was someone who would offer me solid advice if I asked for it. We also talked about other things that were not adoption-related, like our religious beliefs, our families, or how life could sometimes be a struggle. Rob was always kind and unfailingly loyal to his friends. I consider myself privileged to call myself one, even if it wasn’t for very long.
Rob was born William James Orr on August 25, 1957. He was adopted soon after, and was given the adoptive name of Robert Rau. He was raised in the Grosse Pointe area, near Detroit. Due to health challenges he experienced as a boy, his adoptive parents petitioned the courts for information about his biological family’s medical history—to no avail due to draconian privacy laws in Michigan. The judge involved declared that Rob’s adoption was a “failure” because other parents, meaning biological parents, didn’t run to court when they faced problems. Of course, those parents didn’t face the problems of adoptive parents… who were forced to work with a complete lack of history. This made absolutely no sense to Rob, and propelled him in the direction of adoptee rights advocacy once he was old enough to take part.
In the mid ’80s, Rob decided to search for his birth family. He joined the Adoption Identity Movement of Michigan (AIM), a support group founded by Tina Caudill. AIM taught strategies needed to find birth families via open public records and what Rob termed “meticulous sleuthing.” He found it all very intriguing, and reflected, “It was so cool being able to give advice and learn other people’s stories which added to my indignity at the process.” However, he also railed at how unfair it was that he had to use these techniques to learn information readily available to the non-adopted.
Rob’s advocacy next extended to the “Michigan Searching” Yahoo group that was started in the 1990s and continues today on Facebook. Membership in the Yahoo group grew to well over 1,000 members, with several hundred posts per week at its peak. Rob became a co-moderator, and his unique brand of humor made him invaluable to the group. He was that relatable person that could lighten the mood while still empathizing with the problems.
Rob began to advocate directly to legislators about the difficulties adoptees had accessing records, and even was present on an old episode of “Kelly and Company,” a Detroit area talk show where frequent reunion shows took place. It really bothered Rob that adoptees continued to be treated like children long after reaching adulthood. He wrote about this for the story project for AAOM, and I have included what he wrote at the end.
Rob did find his birth mother, but was heartbroken to be rejected by her. He later met his biological brother, and they had a relationship for a few years that was ultimately not sustainable. Rob was never able to meet his sisters, but he was given pictures of them and his mother, which he valued dearly.
Rob was father to Melanie, Marc, and Jennifer. He served as a security officer for MotorCity Casino in Detroit until health concerns led to his retirement in 2013, but his career passion was medicine. Rob started out as a hospital orderly shortly after graduating from high school, later becoming an ER tech, then an ICU tech, and finally a full-fledged EMT, treating countless patients with his hallmark kindness and compassion while administering critical care as a first responder. He was equally passionate about the need to advocate for marginalized and vulnerable groups, unwavering in his demands for: more research and improved care for those with epilepsy and seizure disorders; legal safeguards and more humane treatment of survivors of sexual and criminal assault; increased and quality resources for those with special needs and mobility issues; and heightened understanding and improved care options for mental health. Rob was open and honest about life with anxiety and depression, ADHD and disability, but with gentle humor and a genuine love and zest for life. As a self-professed “freighter nerd,” Rob was a warehouse of information about the freighters that passed by on his beloved St. Clair River, a gift surpassed only by his incredibly vast knowledge of liturgical music culled from decades as a choir tenor. He was an animated writer and an ardent poet, seeking to improve the lives of others through his words and his example.
He was a proud member of Blue Water Allies LGBTQ Community Center in Port Huron after just recently coming out. He worked with AAOM to start an LGBTQ group specifically for Michigan adoptees, whom we all agreed had a special need for support. He gained so much personally from conversations in that space that I will forever be glad that we helped to facilitate that for him. Rob was a devoted Christian, and held dear to the ideals he learned as a youth in church about how Christians should treat others, outspoken in his call for all faith communities to welcome and embrace LGBTQIA members, and to oppose hate and bigotry in all aspects of life, through education, political action, and community efforts. Rob was AAOM’s biggest financial donor and, despite his simple lifestyle in an assisted living complex near Port Huron, he was generous to a fault when it came to supporting the cause of adoptee rights.
This past summer, I had the privilege of advocating for adoptee rights alongside Rob at the Blue Water Festival in Port Huron. It was Rob’s idea along with one other member to set up there, and despite the fact we were already scheduled to be in Ann Arbor the same weekend, we couldn’t let him down. Being there was important to him, and that made it important to us. He always believed that educating the public about the past and what continues to be unfair treatment of adopted people was critical to the cause.
I learned a lot from Rob. He was good, he was sweet, and he was consistent. If he was your friend, you always knew he had your back. I feel so blessed to have known him. His life made an impact on many whose lives were touched by adoption, and it definitely made an impact on me.
We will all miss you Rob. May your lifelong pursuit for equal rights be remembered.
In his own words:
Like all adoptees my situation and experience with adoption is unique and most importantly individual and personal. I knew, from a very early age, I was adopted. My parent’s Pastor had strongly encouraged them to be honest with my sister, who had been adopted earlier, and I about being adopted. He admonished them that if they didn't tell us, it is very likely in the future someone else would. This was proven true when I was registering for high school. Presenting my birth certificate was part of that process. As I did the student assistant rejected it saying "That's not a real birth certificate. You're going to have to go home and get the real one." That particular document had been used by my parents in other situations, so I was chagrined at her attitude and told her so. A verbal battle ensued rousing the attention of the administrator overseeing the registrations. He strode over and asked if there was a problem, and the assistant grabbed my birth certificate and waved it at him proclaiming "HE's trying to use THIS as his birth certificate which of course it's NOT!" The man examined it then without missing a beat said "That's what they give the adopted kids. It's alright." Then with a sudden ashen appearance at possibly revealing some lewd secret he said to me sheepishly, "But you knew that right?" Well, I did but what if I hadn't.
My interest in knowing who my birth family was began at an early age and persisted into adulthood. Just about the time adoption search was appearing as topics on talk shows. Bolstered by laws being proposed to make adoption records open. Every article about reforms coming or proposed around the country had my intense interest. So it became my pursuit to discover how to do that. In 1978 my mom died and while engaged in attending to her estate I asked our attorney to research methods and legal ways to do that. While he sympathized with my desire, it was his opinion I did not have any legal backing to do so. He did provide a few brochures on possible (emphasis on possible) sources for help.
About this time my work was in health care, and I was acutely aware of the importance of knowing family medical history. I was frustrated and embarrassed to have to tell doctors, due to being adopted, I really did not know my family medical history. THAT is so unfair. Persons raised within their biological family directly have knowledge of that. I, an adopted person, did not. There was nary a mention of it in the info given to my parents by the adoption agency other than I was jaundiced at birth and treated for that. NOTHING regarding the health of my birth mom or any member of her family.
As a child I had certain health and learning matters that perplexed my adoptive parents. Doctors often asked them if there were others in the family who had these traits. You can imagine their frustration not having any pertinent history about my past. They grew so angry they filed a petition with the court that finalized my adoption to open some of my records. This was denied to them and the judge instead deemed my adoption a "failure" because other parents cope with the various illnesses of their kids. AAACCCCKKK! Parents, I hasten to add, raising their natural children not fettered by sealed documents.
I picked up their endeavor for disclosure after the death of my mother hastened by the lack of knowledge of the family attorney and increasing health concerns on my part. I re-appealed to the court who validated the fact my parents had petitioned them years ago but refused to disclose anything else. "These records are SEALED! You cannot see them." I went to the adoption agency as well which had been taken over by another agency and was refused there as well but I'll add the clerk was sympathetic to my plight just wasn't sure how or who might have access to them. As she was saying that a coworker was heard coaching her "if that's another person looking for their adoption records you have to tell them adopted CHILDREN are not allowed that info." ADOPTED CHILDREN!!! I was in my 30s that day, hardly a child. But that term persists to this very day in certain sectors of society. As I type this it is maddening to know at 65 years old, I am still seen as a CHILD! Who else but adopted persons with sealed birth certificates and other records are treated this way? Secrecy, shame and restrictions for adopted persons have existed for far too long in Michigan. All adopted persons must be made whole with the rest of society. Access to original birth certificates must no longer be denied. I've been an advocate and activist for this for over 30 years. Michigan is long overdue to come out of the closed records era. NOW is that time.